FINAL thoughts...and Rollercoasters

You know that feeling right before a test?

The butterflies mixed with anxiety mixed with fear...

Waiting to take my final for my summer class, I decided to write instead of study. I mean don't get me wrong. I know and understand the material. I know that if I go in with a positive mind that I will do fine.

But...there's always that doubt...

Doubt...

Yesterday, as I sat in the library studying for my final, my ex boyfriend's frat brother came to deliver some flowers my ex had sent for me. At first, the feeling was of rage. How dare he break my heart and then think that flowers are going to fix everything?

Then came the doubt.

I loved...LOVE him. He is...WAS perfect in every sense. When we were together it seemed that time had stopped just so we could be together in that moment forever.

Then again, he was a complete different person when it was just us. I KNEW him...he was funny, nice, outgoing, and I could barely get him to shut up sometimes.

Yet...he was a STRANGER when other people were around.

He turned jealous, mean, annoyingly quiet, and everything that a "bad" boyfriend is said to be.

Especially when I would focus my attention on other things...other people that were not him.

In the letter he sent with the flowers...he asked me again to not let other people's opinions get the best of me...

But those PEOPLE he speaks of are my FAMILY. They, other than God, mean EVERYTHING TO ME.

How can someone expect me to just not care what they have to say or what they think?

Here's the doubt and the fear...instead of focusing all that on my final...i'm focusing it on a stupid BOY.

I know HE is out there somewhere.

HE will understand that my family is above everything, even him.

HE will know when to say sorry and how to do it.

HE will see that my life is many things and that he is only ONE PART of it.

HE will kiss, hug, love me just the way I like.

HE will look into my eyes and there will never be a doubt that I want to be with him.

I starting writing this in search of advice, help, or answers that anyone could give me.

Little did I know, that the answer was there all along, as it always is.

If I really love him and he was really THE ONE I would have never doubted it...but I did..

"Love shouldn't be a roller coaster you can't wait to get off of...

It should be twisty, turny, fun...and even with all its ups and downs...you NEVER want the ride to end." -A.M. (ME lol)

The search continues...for that perfect roller coaster and the ride of my life...