FINAL thoughts...and Rollercoasters

You know that feeling right before a test?

The butterflies mixed with anxiety mixed with fear...

Waiting to take my final for my summer class, I decided to write instead of study. I mean don't get me wrong. I know and understand the material. I know that if I go in with a positive mind that I will do fine.

But...there's always that doubt...

Doubt...

Yesterday, as I sat in the library studying for my final, my ex boyfriend's frat brother came to deliver some flowers my ex had sent for me. At first, the feeling was of rage. How dare he break my heart and then think that flowers are going to fix everything?

Then came the doubt.

I loved...LOVE him. He is...WAS perfect in every sense. When we were together it seemed that time had stopped just so we could be together in that moment forever.

Then again, he was a complete different person when it was just us. I KNEW him...he was funny, nice, outgoing, and I could barely get him to shut up sometimes.

Yet...he was a STRANGER when other people were around.

He turned jealous, mean, annoyingly quiet, and everything that a "bad" boyfriend is said to be.

Especially when I would focus my attention on other things...other people that were not him.

In the letter he sent with the flowers...he asked me again to not let other people's opinions get the best of me...

But those PEOPLE he speaks of are my FAMILY. They, other than God, mean EVERYTHING TO ME.

How can someone expect me to just not care what they have to say or what they think?

Here's the doubt and the fear...instead of focusing all that on my final...i'm focusing it on a stupid BOY.

I know HE is out there somewhere.

HE will understand that my family is above everything, even him.

HE will know when to say sorry and how to do it.

HE will see that my life is many things and that he is only ONE PART of it.

HE will kiss, hug, love me just the way I like.

HE will look into my eyes and there will never be a doubt that I want to be with him.

I starting writing this in search of advice, help, or answers that anyone could give me.

Little did I know, that the answer was there all along, as it always is.

If I really love him and he was really THE ONE I would have never doubted it...but I did..

"Love shouldn't be a roller coaster you can't wait to get off of...

It should be twisty, turny, fun...and even with all its ups and downs...you NEVER want the ride to end." -A.M. (ME lol)

The search continues...for that perfect roller coaster and the ride of my life...

Boyland...the truth about BOYS

All BOYS are the same.

They gossip just as much as girls do.

They don't have manners.

They lie, cheat, and will never be completely honest no matter what they say.

They prove that chilvary is certainly, undeniably dead.

Unfortunately, I have only dated BOYS in my life. I have yet to meet a real MAN. I know what you're thinking...i'm young. At 19 years old and in college I should be having fun and exploring the many possiblities the world has to offer.

Being a hopeless romantic, I just can't do that. I am ALWAYS looking for love.

So here's the catch. Remember my ex boyfriend...yes the jerk who broke up with me after HE clearly was the one to blame...yes that ex. Well he is in a frat (now I know that frat boys = nondatable). I met one of his brothers this past Friday night. He was a pretty cool kid. Cute, in a I want to dance with you sort of way, but not hot. We got to talking and I was convinced that maybe I had actually made a friend.

But let me tell you something about frat guys. They think that EVERY girl likes them. I'm sorry that in high school I had mostly guy friends and i'm sorry that maybe I send the wrong signals. But when I like someone, they KNOW. They don't think...they KNOW for sure.

So we hung out at a frat party Saturday night and we ended up sharing Whataburger fries later that night. He didn't try anyhting and i didn't flirt. Everything seemed ok when he left. I didn't try to kiss him and I even gave him a half hug. I did everything to make the situation as "friendly" as possible.

Then yesterday he casually asked me if maybe I wanted to watch a movie after he was done painting his room. I was bored and kind of annoyed at my apartment so I obliged. Yet, as a waiting for next 8 hours, I realized maybe this is all a GAME to him.

What if his "brothers" put him up to this to test me. To see if I would do anything with this guy. To test my loyalty to my ex.

First, let me say this...HE BROKE UP WITH ME. Yes, and again, HE BROKE MY HEART. Who is the real victim here?

Second, when did is become a crime for a boy and a girl to be friends...yes JUST FRIENDS.

As annoying as it was, I waited. And he kept me waiting that's for sure. He texted me at about 11:15pm to tell me that he was almost done and that I should stay awake. I almost fell for this cruel joke until I realized that yes, I was the victim yet again to the stupid game boys play.

I fell asleep. Woke up. No text. No call. Boys are all the same.

As I sit here writing this...this boy is probably out there playing games with a new girl. And this girl is becoming some self-centered, frat boy's next victim.

Where will this all end?

Is there seriously no real MEN in college.

I leave you with this...

When in boy land, do as the boys do...

Well, at least, that's what I plan to do :)