When the glass is half empty...

"Why do I feel so empty?
As if the whole world is alive with all it's hustle and bustle...
While I just live my life day by day as the living dead do.
My heart searches and yearns...
for something more, for something to make me feel complete again."
- A.M.

I have been seeing my ex boyfriend again. The one from all my blogs. Everything is going good then he does something that really bothers me and makes me reconsider even talking to him again. I mean, he is kind in every way, but then he suddenly takes a turn for the worst. He is possessive, controlling, and any guy who hits on me he HATES. Not just the kind of hate you have when a girl is wearing the same dress you are, but the kind of hate that every time you see a person you want to strangle them.

First, if someone doesn't want anyone to look or hit on their significant other then they should be with someone they themselves find unattractive.

Second, a guy is not going to know automatically that a girl is taken by just looking at them.

Third, if they do know that the girl is taken, persistent guys will always be just that...persistent. Is it really the girl's fault that other guys find her attractive? And personally if I was a guy and my girl was being constantly hit on I would be proud that I'm with someone so attractive. I wouldn't HATE any man who looks at her or who tries to get at her...because I was in that position once.

Here's the thing. This ex HATES a whole organization just because a few of them have hit on me or have dated me. Is it fair to the other guys in that organization to be judged based on the actions of their "brothers"? My ex is a frat boy, as mentioned before, and this other organization is their "rival frat" which just adds more complication to everything.

This past weekend the two frats got into an argument at my sorority's club party...I was in the middle of it and ended up being hit a couple times.

This is scary. Are they in gangs? What "turf" are they fighting for? When will this all end?

My ex has no right to HATE a whole group of "friends" just based on what letters they wear proudly on their chest. He has no right to HATE my guy friends who happen to be in this other organization. He has no right....

Maybe I'm wrong...maybe it's just me....but when this HATRED is unleashed...what will he do...it's a scary reality.

He has no right...to tell me who to talk to, who to hang out with, who to text....

He has no right....to be mad at me....for telling him that there are really nice guys in the organization...and that maybe he should give them a chance.

Can't he see that in the end none of this will matter? That in the end all we have is those around us and that we might as well treat everyone as our brother because that is the way it was supposed to be.

A.M.

FINAL thoughts...and Rollercoasters

You know that feeling right before a test?

The butterflies mixed with anxiety mixed with fear...

Waiting to take my final for my summer class, I decided to write instead of study. I mean don't get me wrong. I know and understand the material. I know that if I go in with a positive mind that I will do fine.

But...there's always that doubt...

Doubt...

Yesterday, as I sat in the library studying for my final, my ex boyfriend's frat brother came to deliver some flowers my ex had sent for me. At first, the feeling was of rage. How dare he break my heart and then think that flowers are going to fix everything?

Then came the doubt.

I loved...LOVE him. He is...WAS perfect in every sense. When we were together it seemed that time had stopped just so we could be together in that moment forever.

Then again, he was a complete different person when it was just us. I KNEW him...he was funny, nice, outgoing, and I could barely get him to shut up sometimes.

Yet...he was a STRANGER when other people were around.

He turned jealous, mean, annoyingly quiet, and everything that a "bad" boyfriend is said to be.

Especially when I would focus my attention on other things...other people that were not him.

In the letter he sent with the flowers...he asked me again to not let other people's opinions get the best of me...

But those PEOPLE he speaks of are my FAMILY. They, other than God, mean EVERYTHING TO ME.

How can someone expect me to just not care what they have to say or what they think?

Here's the doubt and the fear...instead of focusing all that on my final...i'm focusing it on a stupid BOY.

I know HE is out there somewhere.

HE will understand that my family is above everything, even him.

HE will know when to say sorry and how to do it.

HE will see that my life is many things and that he is only ONE PART of it.

HE will kiss, hug, love me just the way I like.

HE will look into my eyes and there will never be a doubt that I want to be with him.

I starting writing this in search of advice, help, or answers that anyone could give me.

Little did I know, that the answer was there all along, as it always is.

If I really love him and he was really THE ONE I would have never doubted it...but I did..

"Love shouldn't be a roller coaster you can't wait to get off of...

It should be twisty, turny, fun...and even with all its ups and downs...you NEVER want the ride to end." -A.M. (ME lol)

The search continues...for that perfect roller coaster and the ride of my life...

Boyland...the truth about BOYS

All BOYS are the same.

They gossip just as much as girls do.

They don't have manners.

They lie, cheat, and will never be completely honest no matter what they say.

They prove that chilvary is certainly, undeniably dead.

Unfortunately, I have only dated BOYS in my life. I have yet to meet a real MAN. I know what you're thinking...i'm young. At 19 years old and in college I should be having fun and exploring the many possiblities the world has to offer.

Being a hopeless romantic, I just can't do that. I am ALWAYS looking for love.

So here's the catch. Remember my ex boyfriend...yes the jerk who broke up with me after HE clearly was the one to blame...yes that ex. Well he is in a frat (now I know that frat boys = nondatable). I met one of his brothers this past Friday night. He was a pretty cool kid. Cute, in a I want to dance with you sort of way, but not hot. We got to talking and I was convinced that maybe I had actually made a friend.

But let me tell you something about frat guys. They think that EVERY girl likes them. I'm sorry that in high school I had mostly guy friends and i'm sorry that maybe I send the wrong signals. But when I like someone, they KNOW. They don't think...they KNOW for sure.

So we hung out at a frat party Saturday night and we ended up sharing Whataburger fries later that night. He didn't try anyhting and i didn't flirt. Everything seemed ok when he left. I didn't try to kiss him and I even gave him a half hug. I did everything to make the situation as "friendly" as possible.

Then yesterday he casually asked me if maybe I wanted to watch a movie after he was done painting his room. I was bored and kind of annoyed at my apartment so I obliged. Yet, as a waiting for next 8 hours, I realized maybe this is all a GAME to him.

What if his "brothers" put him up to this to test me. To see if I would do anything with this guy. To test my loyalty to my ex.

First, let me say this...HE BROKE UP WITH ME. Yes, and again, HE BROKE MY HEART. Who is the real victim here?

Second, when did is become a crime for a boy and a girl to be friends...yes JUST FRIENDS.

As annoying as it was, I waited. And he kept me waiting that's for sure. He texted me at about 11:15pm to tell me that he was almost done and that I should stay awake. I almost fell for this cruel joke until I realized that yes, I was the victim yet again to the stupid game boys play.

I fell asleep. Woke up. No text. No call. Boys are all the same.

As I sit here writing this...this boy is probably out there playing games with a new girl. And this girl is becoming some self-centered, frat boy's next victim.

Where will this all end?

Is there seriously no real MEN in college.

I leave you with this...

When in boy land, do as the boys do...

Well, at least, that's what I plan to do :)

Eating Ben and Jerry's

He broke up with me. Yes, broke up with ME. Let me tell you, I did not see this coming. After all we had been through in the last few weeks I should have been the one to call it off. This self-centered, anti-social college BOY broke my heart. The story, though quite long, takes place at school.

After being with boy after boy, I knew "the one" was no where to be found. There was always something wrong with each boy. Then in walked in Jose* and everything changed. He was a gentlemen, would take me out to eat, he was great in bed. He was everything I was looking for right now.

Things started to get weird when he would never go out with his friends and insist on hanging out with me. I am not a jealous girl at all, I even told him we could have a threesome when we found the right girl. But, I guess he just thought I was jealous still. He told me he was anti-social, but I didn't expect for it to be as bad as it really was.

After being with him for 4 months I assumed that it was ok for him to meet my family. My family is CRAZY. I love them. They are those loud Mexicans who ask the mariachi to come to their table and they never stop singing. They are those people who start dancing and eventually take over anybodies party by making everyone stand up and dance. The thing is, I warned my anti-social, California washed boyfriend about my social, Texan family.

The thing is he spent the whole weekend complaining. I'm tired, it hot (duh it's Texas), your brother this, it's loud, when will they go to sleep (6 in the morning I said, he still didn't believe me). Complaining, complaining, complaining. The worst part is that people heard him. My aunts, my uncles, my parents. They heard him complain. He made them feel weird for being who they were.

There was a point when it was just him and I. I took him on a tour of my little Texan town. He was perfect then. He wasn't tired, he wasn't burning up, he didn't complain at all. That made me sad because I love my family. How could I be with someone who doesn't like to be around them.

Later, when it was all over, I asked him what his favorite part of the weekend was. I was thinking he would say the lake, the boat, the ranch, riding the four-wheeler, riding in the beat up old truck when the brakes failed, being with your family, something different from what we were used to. He said his favorite part was when it was just him and I alone.

It occurred to me later than when he said he was a jealous guy he meant it. I could tell by the look in his eyes that when I was with my family he was jealous about the bond i shared with them and that for once I wasn't paying attention to him.

He's stuck up. Beyond that. At first I found it attractive, but then it got annoying. He really seems to thing that he is the center of the universe. He would get upset of I was reading a book or watching a movie because my focus was not on him.

I loved him despite all his flaws. I was still trying to get over that weekend and make it work. I told him I wanted a break because on our last night there my aunts had a talk with me about him. By break I meant I wanted space. Like I wanted him to move out of my room. I wanted him to not call or text me as much. I still wanted to be his girlfriend.

About a week ago, he spent the day with me in San Antonio and everything seemed alright. We came back to my apartment and we had the most amazing, satisfying sex I had had in a long time. After it was all done, he told me had a present for me since he was going home to Chicago for the rest of the summer. Out come this vibrator. It didn't all make sense until he said those words, "I think we should break up." So it was break up sex. "No" was all he said, "This is goodbye". Dramatic? Very.

Now I sit here with my Ben and my Jerry and wonder how I could be so stupid to keep falling for these weirdos and psychos and people who are just not for me. Hopefully, in time someone will change my opinion of boys, of all men in this cruel world.

As Ben and Jerry and i leave you to go about your day please remember that love does sometimes suck and heart, but I have hope. I know "the one" will come soon.